Love Island Australia

Sophie kicks off tonight’s proceedings by showing us a soft porn montage of our contestants overlaid with a soundtrack of early 2000’s ringtones… just in case you’ve been wondering how that crazy frog’s been going. Basically the girls show up in their best stripper combos (bikini and heels for the uninitiated) and wait for the male contestants to show up and choose them as a partner, based purely on their appearance. #feminism

It’s the second morning in our Love Island mansion and Hurricane Kim has left a path of destruction in her wake. Last night the bikini model bounced into the house in a whirl of hair extensions, fake tan and excessively white teeth - the likes of which we haven’t seen since Britney’s Las Vegas residency. Fortunately for us Kim is a flirty kind of gal, systematically going through each and every guy to decide which one will be her safest bet. It’s pretty darn easy when she has the ability to turn each of them into a blubbering pool of drool. The best Justin can come up with is ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ (Green) and ‘do you remember how oranges used to make your fingers smell?’ (Seriously what the hell?)

The girls and boys are realising that the next coupling is fast approaching, and it’s sent the islanders into a flurry of pacts and flirting, analysing every conversation with each other. It was all reminiscent of the pre-PE anxiety brought on when the teacher told you to pair up in primary school.

Sophie Monk - she’s just like us! Apparently last night Soph was also yelling at the idiot box - telling Cassidy and Tayla to run for the hills… solidarity sister. It remains a mystery as to why she wasn’t allowed to go in and yell at them in person - would have made for some seriously compelling viewing. Over in the bedroom, Kim is still trying to get away from Josh. It’s like the bed is no man’s land and she feels safer down in the trenches. We find out they finally spooned (well Josh IS the best at it) but Kim 150% denied Josh any mouth on mouth action. And boy did he try.

Sleep. The great equalizer. You can be as beautiful, fit or tanned as you like, but the moment you close your eyes and the night vision switches on… we’re all the same. We have our mouths open and are inelegantly sprawled across the bed (two thumbs up Tash), or we elbow our bedmate directly in the face without waking up (great work Justin). After rising and applying 45 layers of fresh tan, Millie and Tash both decide to make a play for John James… probably wasn’t the best strategy turning up in the exact same yellow bikini though? Thankfully they have different coloured hair and are thus, easily identifiable. As usual Millie is front and centre - and as usual Tash is annoyed about it.

After Eden’s poetry reading last week, it seems Josh too has become inspired - treating us to the kind of gems Yeats would be jealous of. Calling himself the ‘poetry killa’ he lets us know he feels ‘fresher than a newly washed piece of corn’ and the romance is almost too much to take. Josh trots outside to try some more fresh rhymes on Tayla, the current focus of his attention, after Kim made it pretty darn clear she has 0% interest in him. Tayla and Josh have a solid D&M about the length of her leg hair, after which she tells him not to hold her hand - so naturally he tries to hold her hand. He’s really working hard to hold the title of most oblivious man in the house (currently held by Justin).